we are all fragile.... having Faith

Forty eight hours ago my life was on course. Oh we had the usual ups and downs but now I fear I am in deep trouble. Ken met with his specialist on Thursday for a prostate biopsy...in at eleven and out of the office by eleven thirty. He appeared to be feeling normal but he was hungry so we went to Bake and Brew for a lunch special and then headed home for an afternoon of Hildago...one of Ken's favorite movies. We held each other in our arms and I slipped into a restful sleep listening to his steady heartbeat...I was worn out by the emotional anxiety of the days events. We rested and later in the evening for 90 minutes I left to attend a dear friend's celebratory art opening. Ken was tired and wanted to stay home to rest and felt I should be visible in this small circle of art patrons at the opening. When I came home Ken mentioned he was bleeding...he had called the doctor's office and they said there maybe some bleeding, and if it continued they advised him to go to the emergency room. He then called our family Doctor and they said it is usual to have some bleeding but if it continues...go to the hospital. Of course he decided to wait until morning and we both spent the entire night getting up every forty minutes and at six he decided we would go to the emergency room to check it out. We were so lucky to be admitted into the ER immediately and it was quickly apparent that Ken was in serious trouble. One of the biopsy punctures had hit an artery and he was losing 110 cc.s about every forty minutes. The surgeons and specialist quickly made the appropriate steps to set up an early surgery room in an attempt to cauterize the site's primary location. He came through the procedure but was in terrible discomfort and the staff had difficulty in calming him down enough to relax his body. I feared he was going into shock as he had lost an estimated four units of blood and may require a transfusion. A room was located and he would have to share a tiny room with another elderly man who was in a very precarious dilemma himself. Being diabetic threw a monkey wrench into the whole post surgery condition and maintaining his sugar levels became a vital contribution to his recovery. I have been on the other side of this situation several times when I have experienced major complications with my lupus. But now this was my best friend. Ken has been my rock and salvation and I felt as if I was losing him. Over and over again the staff asked me why didn't we come in sooner? No use discussing our lack of common sense and I should have called the squad ...I feel so much guilt. I am scared and feeling terribly isolated.

Today he is on the road to a recovery but little does he know this will be a long road to his strength and feeling of stability. Nothing matters except the healing white light surrounding him and holding him in God's hands as we begin our journey next week. Ken was able to have soft, easily digested foods tonight and graham crackers for his snack and I am home feeling a loss that is so difficult to explain. The girls have been supportive and my dear friends have extended kind prayers of encouragement. One nurse in particular shared her journey with her man's road in this chapter of their lives and today he is recovered and feeling more of himself together with her patience and dedication. I am tired beyond belief... and I know sharing these difficult words with others who care has helped me to be strong. I will be home for tonight and tomorrow we will have more adequate information to assess our next steps in facing the unknown. Hug those you love dearly and keep them in your hearts. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart