my time for healing... work work work

At five in the morning I had cried my salty tears and listened to my healing music and then turned my burden over to my higher power. My daughter is in pain but she is not taking responsibility for herself and realizing Truth is a strong healing force. Recognition of our/my failures were part of my growing into my adulthood. Now I need to step back and center myself and take a very deep breath...breathe in the serenity. I am hopeful she can find her way and let us be close once again. I am not smart enough to know why this happens from time to time...ten years ago I felt as if the tie could never be renewed. She is not happy and in pain but until she realizes the "victim role" will inhibit any true growth. I fell into the trap last night in my despair by asking "why" and that will do no more than a thump on my hard head in accepting what I can and can not do. I need to make better choices and be there when the healing begins, I know this is the most difficult process but I know separation and time is what I need. Thank you dear friends for emailing me in a private supportive manner and tomorrow is already looking anew.

I rested and then went out for some special art supplies to make a dear man a special gift. Luckily or was it fate...I ran into old friends and found sunshine on a stormy rainy Monday. I found drastic clearance buttons for some of my projects, a couple of "bootiful "...remnants to continue my funky aprons and playful process. I bought some incredible Derwent metallic pencils to use in my journals and I got to use a 50% off coupon. Ken had gone out to play gold...his spiritual commune with Nature and dear friends. Even though he came home with a rain check he needed to get out and release from his pain. We had comfort food for dinner and sugar free jello and little by little his sugar diet is helping to lower the frightening numbers of his sugars levels. He returns to our family doctor on Friday so we will continue to learn as much as possible about diabetes and modify our healthy approach to live every day to the very best.

I love You-tube!!! I watched several tutorials last night from mixed media artists who were so willing to share their approach in creating journals; adding layers and textures; different products to try and some how-to's in problem solving some obstacles others have previously experienced. I just have to limit my time...I could go on now for hours and not really WORK on my projects. I end up in comedy, music, political blogs and well just about anything. You-Tube makes it so easy to go from one subject to the next. I honestly did not think I could get so addicted but be careful so you don't fall into the trap. Maybe it is because I am not disciplined enough but there are moments when the FUN gets in the way. I am going to work and tonight I am enjoying the rolling thunder outside. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

hurry up morning....

heavy heart
lost daughter
how did this happen?
why the lie?
anger muddies clear thoughts
tears flow like hot searing irons
into a brutalized spirit...
what happened?
why?
why the lie?
a child facing a painful truth
a child that has been loved from the first moment she took an earthly breath
did I betray
did I speak out of turn
a already known fact
why the anger?
my senses are exploding
my loss of seeing my grand children
devastation fills me tonight
why is my daughter so angry?
how could she turn away again?
toxicity
a cancer growing in her human heart
but they are her feelings...
why?
so much anger
so much anger
toxic poison seethes
why
why is this happening when time is all we really have.
grief overwhelms me in this darkest night
thunder is beginning to rumble
a thunder is beating around a broken tight heart.
a thunder is beating around a broken tight heart.

59 is divine...at least this is what my youngest brother said

I celebrated my 59th in bed with fresh coffee and CBS "Sunday Morning's 30th anniversary show". Thirty years of sun worship began in 1979 with Charles Kuralt and continues today with Charles Osgood...whoops his name has fled my brain for the moment. Today the artist Red Grooms invited us into his colorful studio and shared his child like abandon with bright exuberant colors. This Sunday morning ritual has been my manner of worship ritual with a true and amazing appreciation for the diversity, science and the whole gamut of the Arts. The fire dance began with the scientific explanation of how this enormous ball of Hydrogen gas has been around for five billion years and is 93 million miles away but still has an enormous influence on the earth for 365 days every year. Mystical Stone Henge demonstrates how centuries after it came into being there are still the dancers and worshipers still gather from around the globe to celebrate the Sun.The ancient Incas dedicated both scientific and religious fervor to show homage to the powers of the Sun. Solar radiation, sun spots gives us the aura borielus as a wonder in the night skies...and all this from a big ball of gas. This Sunday morning show focuses on the ordinary and often overlooked aspects in our lives. Today is 9/06/09 and my 59th birthday and the 30th year anniversary of Sunday Morning. Andrew Wyeth shared "you have to bleed in what you love to do when you make Art". And in the very next segment they discussed possibilities of cybernetic implants in our human brain to see beyond our own eye lenses. They ended the show with fields of waving sunflowers in the last of summer breezes ...as I closed my eyes as my mind traveled to another time and I could see Vincent Van Gogh studying the intricacies of these valiant flowers.

We went to Bake and Brew to "have some pretty OK food" and a celebratory Greek omelet and hot coffee. I miss the staff who worked with me across from my gallery and most of them are now working here for my friend Dave. Renewal is a simple morning meal with people you love. I went to Skip's Horse farm to give him and his whole family a hug and just say Hello. Skip was hosting a huge Rotary cookout for all the families and he invited me to walk down to the next barn and see his newest family member...a mother and very young colt. What a joy to nuzzle up to a young and curious beauty. My heart was racing as I was allowed to be so close to this young family. Thank you Mr. Skip!

I then spent the last day at the pool with Maya, Sabrina and Hannah in a very cool spring fed pool. Snack foods and granola bars and peanut butter crackers plus tart lemonade to quench our thirst. The clear blue shies and fluffy white clouds were our celestial ceiling as we played and worshiped our love of the summer sun's rays. Multiple generations have been meeting here for the last couple of months and we shared our well wishes and hopes to be able to play once again next summer. Adios amigos...vaya con Dios!

We then returned the girls to their parents and I realized my daughter Tina had totally forgotten my special day. No big deal as long as we can be together so Ken and the girls went to pick up two pizzas and tiny little white cupcakes and ice cream. Simple pleasures and quiet fatigue as we drove home for a movie night and much needed rest after attempting to keep up with three active little girls. Somehow in that short amount of time ...a miscommunication...accusations and angry thoughts and words blasted my day apart as if I was going to be sick. My eyes burn and my throat is closed ...I just do not understand what actually happened after such a great afternoon. I apologize for not being able to talk on the phone when my brothers and my son-in-law and other dear friends who called to wish me well...I was emotionally spent. Tomorrow...hopefully clearer minds will prevail and truth will set me on a new course. I treasure Seth's poetry from earlier this week "I think each of us has but one heart, one soul, and one truth----an inner light that can melt the snow and warm the night. A fire to discover in the golden lights of the sun. And dreams that speak our gentle words in the noisy thoroughfares of our world." Thank you Seth for these words of kindness. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

a day at the park....

We had planned to spend the day at The Works but unfortunately they were closed for maintenance and whatever. My daughter came from Columbus with her two in tow so we shifted our plans and went to the rotary park to play in the sunshine and sand ...digging. With a packed lunch bag lunch to help Cole get used to carrying his lunch to start day care next Wednesday. It was simple pleasures in the shade of a fairly young maple tree and soft summer breezes enveloped us in a natural high. Morgan is 7 1/2 months old and just beginning to crawl and explore ..."hey what do you have over there?" ..."it looks better than my sweet potatoes"... "where is that music coming from?". It is a simple exercise in letting go of adult expectations and getting down to a baby's eye level or dig in a big sand box just to be in the soft sugary sand on one of those last summer day's. I took a few photos for when the snow blows in a cold January here in Ohio so I will be able to step back into time to remember the gentle touch of these children...our most precious gifts. Cole and Erin made me sugar cookies...59 is fine and homemade cookies were the perfect gift.

I picked up Maya and Sabrina after school but Maya needed a little extra time to finish a test...I don't remember the fourth grade being so complex. We then headed home to finish their homework and take practice spelling tests that I attempted to make into a funny game with silly sentences. I did not get to work with my new old fabrics but tomorrow I will wash and evaluate the outcomes of how I would enjoy processing them. I have a new wooden rack to set them out into the elements to add other design elements (rust or paint applications and stamps for example) to the cloths to help them "tell their story". My disintegration project earlier this year opened up doors for exploration I never would have conceived without my participation with artists all over the globe. Thank you Seth for your continued energies and inspiration. I also want to make a run to the fabric store for the sales and hit a craft store to use a 50% off coupon on something new to experiment with.

I feel a sadness for a closing summer with only two days to use the pool. This has been a year of firsts in sharing my love for the water with the girls and how glorious I feel in a cooling pool... no worries here about how thin I should be and how as a woman we should all be a size zero....hooey! The school is a very good distraction for them but as I am learning to working alone I miss my pals. I am grateful for the long lazy days where we just hung out together. Have a great evening. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

Sometimes the good gal wins...YEAH!

I went to my hearing today for my parking ticket and I had gathered my receipts showing the times I was away from the downtown 3 hour limit in Newark. I quietly spoke my words and agreed to pay if I really broke a law but as it turns our I was away more than I was downtown so everything was dismissed. Thank you parking gods...money is too precious to give into the parking establishment!

I spent the afternoon searching for hand woven and hand embroidered fabrics... many worn from years of daily wear and use. I am always amazed to see how many literally throw away hand made heirlooms that previous generations created to make their home a "nest" and practical usage. I truly find inspiration in these women and their hand works without ever having the chance to meet them. They fill my mind with stories and scenarios of a kitchen from the past. I found two endearing fawns embroidered and immediately remembered the fawns my own Mother had in her kitchen windows and they now reside with my brother Michael. He evidently enjoyed having them live in his home decades after we had moved from our Upper Hunters Trace home. The textures invite you to touch and hold gently so now I will spend time to wash and attempt to remove stains but if I am not successful I will incorporate and embellish my personal narratives with my own words, lace text and photo transfers. I feel as if I am on a roll so life is good.

I will attempt to photograph a few items just because they are so beautiful. I received my Seta French fabric paints and will look forward to painting my "three generations of women" on to the Irish linen tablecloth. I usually do work with light applications of transparent colors so the weave design will hopefully still be evident. I love using these paints because I can also make sun prints with them and hopefully be brave in adding my layers and text as I go. In the corners of this now pristine table cloth has a rose design which seems like synchronicity for making this work for my Mother's memory, Rose Marie. Have a great evening! Project Runway is starting!!!! WOOHOOO! Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart Today was something to crow about!

small miracles ...believe

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon and night taking care of my grand daughters and "keeping them in a normal state of mind". Ryan's Father is off life support and is able to talk and be awake for short periods of time. Miracles happen when we least expect them so do not stop believing.

I spent today with my eye specialist and we discussed the here and now and where I might have to go in a year...hopefully. He is a wonderful doctor and doing everything he can to help me hold onto my eyesight. My eyes were dilated so I needed down time before I could see normally. My eyes are very blue with very little pigment so the bright light can be harsh so I need to wear protective sun glasses whenever I am out now. I am sure others have had this type of issue...my blues are from my mother but I need to protect them.

Tomorrow I have to go to traffic/parking court for receiving a $15.00 ticket while the girls were in theater camp at the Midland Theater. (The Pied Piper) I know I was there in the early morning with Maya 's workshop and then we left for a couple hours to run errands and had lunch. When I came back to pick up Sabrina after her rehearsal we parked behind the theater for about 15 minutes and when we came out I have received my ticket. Now it is a small offense but I wanted to support my children in the arts and support businesses downtown Newark. I am sure this is a mistake and hopefully I can use my money wisely to support downtown and the local Arts. The tree hour limit is frustrating to say the least and I believe every thing will work out. Wish me luck!. I am back to work tonight so I am hoping you all enjoyed the beauty in the day today and the beautiful full moon outside my cabin. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

I wish I was in Nashville tonight...

The CMA's are on the regular TV tonight and I have to admit my grand daughters have turned me on to Taylor Swift and the words she has written speak to all if we bother to listen. I am in for the evening and plan on working into the wee hours once again. When the house is quiet and my family is all tucked in both here and their homes I can go to my sacred quiet place and lose track of time. Country music people tell our stories and Ken says he can even understand what they are singing. Enjoy !!!

Today was a kiss from the weather gods with clear blue skies and soft gentle cool breezes. Even my animals wanted to keep going in and out to be outside in the sunshine. My garden needs some human touch to prepare for the upcoming changes in climate. My deer have enjoyed the fruits and blooms of my tiny garden but they share their little fawns with us everyday and have become a member of our family. They have eaten the clematis, nibbled to the ground my newest lilies and I hope I still have some hosta roots that will reappear next Spring. The ornamental grasses have done well and dance in the wind as the daylight moves across the landscape. What a simple gift to enjoy the passing of time under the pure sunshine.

I don't but very much music these days since I lost my job last December but I had to make an exception with Rob Thomas's newest CD Cradle. The first song is called "Her Diamonds" is written about how his life has totally changed since his wife Marisole has been living with an auto immune disease. "And she say oooh...I can't take no more...her tears like diamonds on the floor...cuz I can't help her now...she's down in in...she tried her best and now she can't win...it's hard to see them on the ground...her diamonds falling down" We often forget the care givers and the loving spouses who live in this up and down existence and there are times when the darkness can over take all hope. Rob's words about his love for his wife have always touched me and the first time I heard this song I wanted to reach out to touch his family and let them know they are not alone. Listen to the words closely and see how your heart opens up.

My rock, Mr. Ken is having trouble with gout and his sugar; for the first time I see his frailty. Somehow it is perfectly fine for me to be sick but he is my mountain, my rock who is always there to listen to me and witness my days where I have to be in bed until a new day begins. His sugar is quite high and needles scare this leaning giant so hopefully we will be able to control the ups and downs with proper nutrition. Life is so fragile and we all need to hold our loved ones close and rejoice in being. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

the log truck in the North Caolina mountains...

I have had questions about my photo of the logging truck...as we were coming out of a summer rain storm in the mountains we came up behind these freshly cut logs. I did not get a great photo but I was intrigued by the grid ...happenstance as it was and the beautiful wood marks started my mind to wanting to somehow capture the beauty in the wood itself. I find myself studying simple patterns all around me... have I been blinded by schedules and business all around us. As I said I need to retreat into silence and slow down until I stop to see the beauty all around us. I have been working and now I need my sleep to get to the morning. Imagine Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

there are no short cuts....

I spent time this afternoon continuing my research for my exhibit and got through only about one half of the story about this quiet painter from Canada I am attempting to learn more about. The videos available and several reviews over the decades repeated some of the same themes about the medium of painting with "your back against the world". It sounds so simple and obvious at first and yet to create in your own being without a concern or connection too what the world will think about your works is an awesome triumph. Agnes Martin was an abstract painter and minimalist with her brushstrokes and processes. I have created my first impression of this magnificent woman artist 's life.

AGNES MARTIN
Something is missing
Minimalist
Abstract artist
Painter "I paint with my back against the world...isolation and quiet"
Memory ...
Innocence ...
Living in New York for ten years
Travel for two years
Gabriel movie dialogue ...
Solitude
Geometry
Grids....
Minimalism ... sacred marks quietly made...
In infinite space
Contained in a painting...
Empty your mind
The intellect serves the ego
Servant of the facts ...
Practice quiet
Inspiration envelops the being
If you are willing to listen ...
Something new...really want it... the power in the quiet spaces
Inspirations come from creation in Life
Know what you want
Aim...education...ambition
All aggressive behaviors
Soften my attitude
Cleanse the soul ...
You will receive more in tranquility
Slow...slower....stop ...
Keep your mind at rest
In the mood for the Truth ...
Aware and alert
What can I do now?
Then wait patiently...patiently wait
Sleep on it
Dream state
Your dreams are the answers of your future
Sleep on it
Dream State
Beauty is in the mystery of life
Spiritual mystic
Respond slowly to and see humility
Trust the gift
Free
Abstract emotions
Illustrates the Truth.

The subtle use of colors and the quiet ways of this woman have resonated in my mind's eye. I have to fight that frantic emotion to "do something fast and do it now!" Oh what lessons i have to learn in the next year. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart