The thunder is pounding outside ...good luck having my little Rosie go out for her evening constitution. I worked most of the afternoon and added a Pink/Opal glaze on top my first layers of my canvas. Yes, I am curious to exactly where this slow painting process lakes me...I have to find the TIME magazine that was all about 1968...it is somewhere in my studio upstairs. It was my first year of college at the community college...safe and conservative thinking was nurtured until I took a contemporary History class where my professor actually questioned our governments positions ..."Why the Hell were we in Vietnam?"...Patsy's husband came home from Vietnam in a closed casket in his first month overseas...the fireworks from Fort Knox became extremely disturbing to my safety sitting on my front porch...questions stream in and I had no answers. "Hair" was all the rage ...could you believe they performed on stage nude?... my parents made me uncomfortable at times...I had my first love...or did I?...was I getting married to be free to have sex without worrying or Catholic guilt? God forbid I get pregnant! I made my girlfriends laugh when I said my daddy would have killed me! I am feeling the thunder right now in my chest as I honestly relive these fragile uncertain years...my aunts and my mothers were into the big kitchen shower baskets and "The Joy of Cooking" cookbook...hell I did not know how to make meals...it was my mother's kitchen. Predispositions of expected roles in a young woman's place in time ...where was someone like Johnny Weir then? Yes, I do remember the anger and rage against Jane Fonda but she was a communist...right?... did I really know anything? I know I did not know myself...but like Oprah said "when we know better ...we do better".
In the pursuit of change and with my limited emotional palette I could not identify my pain...my questions...much less research a transformation ...search for a self... and with out this this uneasiness transforms into a resentment that in time creates an inevitable crisis with enormous potential for turmoil. Wow this is one hell of a run-on sentence... I am amazed and grateful to be here now cherishing my thoughts, recognizing my fears, and healing with the passages in my art marks. Slow steady mark making...visible evidence of my physical and spiritual existence; my legacy in my memories and the loving support from women in my life that recognized my ever evolving overlapping spirals and thought processes. I am sure I am not alone in this "herstory" ... but for some reason tonight my memories are overflowing into my layered works.
Johnny Weir is such a dear courageous young man..skating in a world where sexuality is never discussed or exhibited in such outlandish daring mannerisms. He grew up in a rural community in PA with Amish buggies driving down the roads. At 12 years old, he fell into love with figure skating on television... and now he is an artist with fans around the world who love him for his joyful courageous life on ice. Yes, I understand...well maybe recognize why his individuality threatens others who may not want to understand Johnny's world of theatrics and dance and drama. I pray that Johnny will continue to be protected from any harm by his family and coaches and remain under the guardian angels he so elegantly has watching over him... may we all learn to be authentic in living our lives.
I have had a small amount of energy today but before I knew it I was overwhelmed by a wall of fatigue...I went to bed and immediately fell asleep. I am grateful for my journey today and received a dear card from my baby brother Mark this evening...I wish he lived closer ...I love my family and know they worry too much. My god daughter is in Tanzania working for social justice with her law professor for unprotected children...God bless you Amber Rose...I can still see you in my mind and heart as a small red headed little darling telling Ken to "settle down babycakes!" all the while wearing his size 12 shoes...just makes me smile. Be safe and come home soon... I love you dearly. Amber is the one with Dr. Oz who gently guided me to eating whole unprocessed foods...simple foods prepared elegantly...I have lost about 12 pounds...slowly but surely. Have a good night of peaceful dreams.
Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart
...the search for my roots and threads of connection...layers of memory coming round for a second look and examination....my photos tell me secrets
I want to journal your thoughts. I loved reading this post. I can travel back there, in time, I have the t-shirt, you know. :) I worked at the University to support myself and my husband while he went to school, I was angry at the protesters that chanted and took up room on my way to the bus stop. Then my BIL came home in a body bag, just a short time over in Nam. My world view changed overnight. I hung my first quilt with a message over our fence, KILLING EACH OTHER IS NOT THE ANSWER. I cleaned up rotten eggs off the fence. It's still not the answer.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are feeling better each day. It makes me smile to think about it. :)Bea
I ended up finishing my undergraduate degree at Kent State and my poor Republican Dad was refusing to attend my graduation... I had totally crossed over actually asking questions about our government. He did attend...thanks to Mom but never really trusted my different thought processes after 1975. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart
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